How to forgive & forgiven

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to step on their toes. And being married to someone certainly puts you in close quarters.So the chances are good that you and your spouse

have sore feet.

Okay, enough of the smelly metaphor. The point is that it's NORMAL for you and your spouse to errand for those "misses" to cause hurt...sometimes

serious hurt.

Did your spouse hurt you? Have you made mistakes

that hurt your spouse?

Except in the case of physical abuse, you can"move on" from anything. In fact, your marriage

can end up even BETTER!

I know...you're probably thinking, "Better? 

How 

could it be better than before we screwed up?"

It CAN be better, but you have to do one thing

first. You have to forgive.

What does it REALLY mean to forgive?

Many people will say, "I forgive you," but continue to harbor anger in their heart. Some people say the words, but it's obvious from their

actions that nothing's changed.

Other people will say "I forgive you" but what they really mean is, "I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off." And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down

all emotion and refuse to reconnect.

Saying "I forgive you" is an entirely different 

ball game than truly forgiving.

Look carefully at the word "forgive." It tells you what it means. "For-Give"...in other words, to

GIVE as you did beFORE.

That's true forgiveness. When you GIVE of yourself like you did beFORE you were hurt, then you know you've forgiven. When you stand as close to your spouse as you stood the day your feet got

stepped on...that's forgiveness.

That's not easy to do. But it is possible. You

can forgive each other and move on.

 

Dr.Anil Gangotia

pain & suffering.

When it comes to your emotions, there's a big
difference between being in pain and true
suffering. What's the difference? And how does this
relate to your marriage?

Let me illustrate with a story.

There once was a man who was sentenced to 25
years of backbreaking labor. His wrists were tied
to the handle of a huge wheel that was inlaid in
the wall. His job was to turn the wheel 10 hours
a day.

For years, day in and day out, the prisoner would
wonder what he was doing with this wheel. What
was the meaning of his work? What was on the
other side of this wall? Was he grinding grain?
Pulling up water? Moving some sort of conveyor
belt?

For 25 years he contemplated the meaning of his
work, and for 25 years he spun that wheel. It was
grueling, but he survived.

When his sentence was complete he was released
from prison. The first thing he did was run to
the other side of the wall to see what he had
been doing all this time.

What did he see?

Nothing!

There was nothing attached to the wheel. For 25
years, 10 hours a day, he was spinning a wheel
for absolutely no purpose. When the man realized
his true sentence, he collapsed and died.

The prisoner was able to survive 25 years of
backbreaking labor, but when he realized that it
was all for nothing, he couldn't survive for
another moment.

So what's the difference between pain and
suffering?

Pain has a purpose.

Suffering is true torture because it has no
meaning.

Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is
devastating. 

Ask any woman about child labor. How was it?
Would you do it again? Most women will answer: It
was painful, but I didn't suffer. I would do it
again.

This is the key to surviving marital problems and
making it through to a new love and peace with
your spouse.

If you think there's no purpose to your emotional
hurt, you'll just want out. You'll run from your
kids, your responsibility, your vows...you'll run
from it all just to get relief from an unbearable
suffering.

But if you can come to understand why you're in
this situation, then you'll succeed to make it
through like a woman in child labor.

Why is this happening to you? What are you
supposed to be learning from all of this? Can you
see how your marital problems are really an
opportunity for you and your spouse?

I remember A true Story of my friend

when they were going through
what seemed to be unbearable emotional pain as a
result of the loss of their 3 children and their
marriage problems. But now they see it all
differently. Yes, they were in pain, but they didn't
suffer. And although they might script things
differently if they  were God, his wife and he now feel
a sense of peace and happiness that they wouldn't
trade for anything. Yes, they lost a lot, but they
gained each other and forged a marriage that has
become a wellspring of joy in their life.

all the best.....

 

Dr.Anil Gangotia

Happiness & Marriage

if you could just be happy, right? 

But how do you get there? 

The path from a 

troubled marriage to personal happiness is not so

simple, is it?

I was doing a phone session just the other day 

when Jack said to me, "I've got to get out of 

this marriage. I've got to find happiness for 

ME."

In fact, it's quite common for people in an 

unhappy marriage to think that happiness is just 

on the other side of divorce. It's ironic. When 

we're single, we'll be happy when we meet 

someone. Once we're married, we think we'll be 

happy when we're single.

But you know deep down 

, that you 

can't be happy alone.  

Your life is meant to be 

part of another life.

If you focus on YOUR happiness; happiness will 

elude you. But if you focus on your marriage,

you'll find happiness for YOURSELF. In other 

words, being happy is NOT the result of YOU 

trying to be happy. It's the CONSEQUENCE of you 

creating a successful marriage with your spouse.

Pursuing happiness is like a boomerang; 

if it 

comes back to YOU, then you've missed the target.

It's like good sex. Research shows that the more 

you focus on having good sex, the more good sex 

eludes you. The key to good sex is good physical 

conditioning and a deep EMOTIONAL connection. In 

other words, good sex is not something you

pursue; it's something that ensues.

It's the same with your happiness .

It's not something you pursue; it's something

that ensues from efforts that transcend yourself.

The hardest time to focus on your marriage is  

when you're frustrated with your spouse. I know 

that. I know you'd rather turn inward. But if you 

do, you'll narrow your existence. You'll close 

yourself in. You'll shield your pain (to some 

extent), but you'll also turn your back on your

only hope.

You've got to turn and face the darkness in your 

life, 

And I don't mean face it for 

a couple of weeks and then give up because "it 

didn't work." The key to most marital 

circumstances is ENDURANCE. If took you years to 

get yourself into this mess, it's going to take 

more than a couple of weeks to get yourself out

of it.

 

Dr.Anil Gangotia